2018; Success Isn't Happiness
It's somewhat funny reading what I posted earlier this year, 2017 = Great, 2018 = Anxiety and being able to look back at what I was most concerned about; success.
Since the age of 17, I'm pretty sure all I ever wished for when blowing out candles or eyelashes off finger tips was to "be successful," "do well," "get into university" or "get signed." The list is never ending, for every box I tick off there's about 5 new ones to accomplish - it's exhausting, but it's been the crutch that I've leaned on for almost 5 years. Success means I'll be happy which means I won't be depressed which means I'm doing well, right? Wrong. 2018 proved me wrong, my crutch wasn't as reliable as I thought. In fact, this is probably one of the most toxic and anxiety inducing thinking patterns I could've decided on.
You know when you read those metaphors that try and summarise anxiety and depression into simple terms like "There is no miracle cure for depression, it comes in waves, and it's about learning to ride them instead of drowning." Well I've virtually been diving so far beneath any "waves" since the age of 21, that in 2018 the weight of the water started to feel so heavy that I didn't know how to come back up for air.
I guess I got what I wanted - this year has been my most successful year ever. I have consistently had work since January - I even had to turn some down. When I compare my invoices to the year before, I'm getting higher paid jobs, work I thought I'd never get approached for, and completed a Masters with Distinction. My client list has extended to Nike, Stylist and soon to be John Lewis. I've been approached by 4 different agencies expressing interest in signing me. I've painted a 10 metre mural, finally started painting furniture and moved into a studio to freelance full-time. I even won a World Illustration Award but fuck I've been miserable; this year has been successful - the best - for my career, but for as long as I can remember, the worst of my life. Yet the tinted mirror that is Instagram allows followers on my personal account to think I'm the happiest and healthiest I've been, and followers on my professional account to tell me how jealous they are.
I began the year mourning the loss of my brother who was so lost by mental illness that I didn't think I'd ever see him return. I watched my family suffer, and riddled with stress as he disappeared and my mum got a benign tumour. My chronic illness got so bad that I ended up in hospital. I lost months of 2018. I can't remember any of March, April, May or June. I saw my friendship group try their hardest to carry and care for a friend who was so lost and ill that we had to say goodbye to him in October - I watched a friend (who like me) relied so heavily on their craft, disappear because it wasn't enough. And now I can't remember most of November. I've barely had a 2018, thing I feared most - being successful & irrelevant - wasn't the thing I should've cared about at all.
Relying on success for happiness isn't healthy and isn't enough. I know far too many creatives, never mind illustrators who depend on their craft to be happy, or see success as the holy grail. We all want to make a career out of the thing we love, and of course I still get jealous every time I see other people getting the jobs I've always longed for, but this year I've seen too many people suffer the detriments of mental illness to continue yearning for success the way I currently do - it's addictive and dangerous.
Since the age of 19 I began to rely on success to banish my damaged mental health, and to an extent is has worked; I fight harder, draw longer, push further. The problem is I began to do all these things to the extent that I wasn't eating or socialising, and being able to recognise when that line is being crossed is detrimental, I've got better. When the clock hits 5:30 (unless it's a tight deadline) I stop, I eat, I relax and I'm proud of that.
2018 hasn't been all bad, I have loved parts. I've loved a friendship group that welcomed me in with the comfiest and biggest arms. I loved the time spent on my MA and at the AOI Awards, and meeting and working with new people. I love that I've proved to myself that I'm more than my successes. I am strong, and I am caring. I've been welcomed into a studio full of people with the kindest hearts who I can't wait to get to know more in the New Year, and I still love being an illustrator.
My clients have been amazing this year and I'm so thankful for all the patience that has been thrown my way.
If you are suffering with mental health, please don't in silence.
https://www.mind.org.uk/
The banner illustration of this post was created for dear friend and talented illustrator Matt Prosser. A percentage of all sales will be going to Mind UK. To purchase one of the For Matt prints please go via my online shop:
https://anajaks.bigcartel.com/product/for-matt