2017 = Great, 2018 = Anxiety
I've been quiet for a long time - I have a valid reason I promise! But I do apologise. I've recently moved to Bristol and started an MA, and without sounding like the dumbest person alive, it is way more work than what I first anticipated. I also had to run a blog as part of an assessment and so this one got the cold shoulder for a while - but I'm back! Hello!
What I wanted to do with this post was talk about how 2017 was for me (great), and how this now has me frozen with fear going into 2018. I also thought this was important to share due to Ben's
recent survey, The Illustration Survey which saw 79% of participants say they suffer from anxiety and confidence issues concerning their work (yikes), which I admittedly clicked yes for (I am hoping to do a post about mental health and illustration at a later point). Ben has highlighted some pretty important things in this industry and if you haven't checked out the results I would definitely do so - with such a large number of us struggling, we need to learn to help and support each other.
ANYWAY. 2017 was the best year ever for me illustration wise - it was my second year in the industry since graduating and the first time I felt like I could actually do this full time.
The year started off slow but I was getting work, and so in April I decided to go full on freelance; the work load got better - What? Oh my GOD!? It's WORKING! I'm WORKING!? I created a mural for a primary school, worked with clients I only dreamed about during my degree like VICE and Facebook and felt like I made a big step stylistically. Everything was snowballing and by the time it was October and I was on my MA, I was getting so many big, amazing projects that I was actually having to turn down work. Me? Turning? Down? Work? "Hi, thanks for reaching out I am so grateful, but I'm afraid to say I have too many commitments at the moment to take this on! I hope to work together in the future! Thanks again!" Pfffffft. I couldn't quite believe it. I was finally earning enough to sustain myself and it felt amazing. But the more I thought about it, the more I got scared it was just a one off year (this is where the anxiety begins). What if I don't do this well in 2018? I start looking through old invoices to check when I got my first job in 2017 - self torture I know - but I haven't got one yet? It's 2018 and it's the anniversary of me working for Beer Advocate? Oh my god? I'm crap, it's over, I may as well call it quits. And this continues until I snap myself out of the cycle and decide to email every single contact I have - and then it starts again. It's exhausting.
It's important to note that for all the amazing work I did have last year, I lost out on a considerable amount too - and shit did that hurt. Each time I found out a project fell through I ended up crying into a soya latte in the middle of a cafe because I just so happened to be out whilst getting the call, not great. I lost out on a festival project, a fashion illustration project (ultimate dream) that was meant to be along a big shopping street in London, and a packaging project for a brand I eat almost every other week - all the ones I lost were the big ones; the best ones. This isn't to say that the other work I did in 2017 meant any less to me, but these were the ones that made me think "This is it, I'm finally going to get recognised on a big scale." And with every "big scale" email that came through, so did another to tell me it was being dropped or it wasn't working or they decided to go with someone else; the latter being the hardest to handle. This is something I'm beginning to get used to - I don't cry as much anymore - but it still hurts, and it really knocked my confidence.
2017 was so great for me that the thought of 2018 terrifies me. What if I don't get as much work? What if people are bored of me now? How do I keep myself relevant? These questions play again and again and again. And I will get passed it, I know I will. I just hope it's sooner into the year rather than later.
I can't wait to dive into 2018 and see what it has in store, I just hope my anxieties don't get the better of me. I'm not entirely sure whether this will help anyone, but what I did want to do was make people aware that this is how I'm feeling and that if you are too, you aren't alone.
Happy New Year and thank you to everyone who believed in me in 2017!
Ana